QUESTIONS FOR GOD
by Naomi Rae Barnes; age nine
QUESTION:
If you are so perfect and all powerful, why do you have to wear glasses, like I saw you
doing in that movie with John Denver? --Naomi
ANSWER:
Actually, I can't see as well with these glasses on, which is why I like to wear them.
They help me overlook some of the faults of the savage light-skinned Europeans, so I wear them every
day. --God
QUESTION:
If you are such a goodie, goodie, then why do you smoke those awful cigars like my friend
Rich Aberdeen does? My minister says they are bad for me, so I have never tried one, even
though Rich offers them to me most all the time---he says they are good for development. --Naomi
ANSWER:
I created tobacco and it helped make America a great nation and now, no one there wants to
enjoy one of my greatest gifts to humanity, that is, except Aberdeen, who has almost
single-handedly kept North Carolina out of bankruptcy for the past seven years. You know
that tv evangelist Graham, he hails from that great tobacco state, but he never smokes the stuff---I just
don't understand that---don't understand it at all. I can't stand to see a good thing go to
waste, so I've taken up smoking cigars myself. I used to smoke other stuff like some Indian
friends of mine do, but now I stick mainly to tobacco; at least, that's what I tell Mr. Graham.
By the way, nothing that I've created is bad for you, Naomi---What comes out of the heart and
mouth of that minister of yours---that's what's bad for you. I don't recommend that you
ever listen to him. . . or Aberdeen either, for that matter---they're both a couple of very bad
apples, not that apples are generally bad for you, Naomi, but those two, I would stay very far away
from. --God
QUESTION:
My mother's boyfriend is a black-belt karate champion, a former bodyguard of Sam Kinison
and Sylvester Stallone and he thinks he is Mister Tough-Guy. Rich thinks he's the biggest
wimp in California, maybe even on the whole planet. What do you think? --Naomi
ANSWER:
Although I hate to admit it, for once Aberdeen is right. That bad apple, who is no friend
of your mother or you, Naomi, takes all of the food stamp and welfare money intended for you
and spends it on drugs and booze for himself and your mother. He also deals drugs, steals
from poor people and hasn't worked for the past four years. I consider people like him
true wimps of the highest order. And those wimps who run your government, Naomi, they aren't any
better---they only care about their own indolent political butts and hand out the welfare dole to
lazy adults instead of directly to children through the school system like they should---they are
truly among the stupidest of my creations. . . come to think of it, I don't recall having
created them and God knows, I would never claim that I did. --God
QUESTION:
Of course I'm on your side. I'm on everybody's side. Unfortunately, the wicked
leaders of your country and the wicked charlatans who preach in your churches don't
understand that. And those feable-minded football coaches who pray to me asking for their team
to win---how can I be expected to help them win if I'm on everybody's side? Even I lose
patience sometimes, Naomi---some of those dense creatures on your planet who claim that I
created them are definitely shy a few bricks from the load.
QUESTION:
My schoolteacher is an atheist. She says that if there is a God, why is there so
much suffering and hunger in the world? I think she is mainly stupid, but I don't know
how to answer her very well. After all, I am only nine years old. --Naomi
ANSWER:
I get very tired of these pseudo-intellectuals who strut around like the turkeys that they
are, pretending that I don't exist. The reason there is so much pain in the world is
because I have given people a choice. After all, if I didn't allow atheists like her to make the wrong choice,
then it wouldn't be freedom of choice, now would it? I don't understand why morons such as
your teacher can't grasp even the simplest of logic. What kind of teacher is that,
anyway? "I think, therefore I am"---what an utterly stupid and asinine statement that
is! I created rocks and they don't think, but if your teacher doesn't learn to stop
lying, one of them is likely to fall on her head someday soon and then she will more than
likely believe they exist---just watch and see. Come to think of it, as I recall, she
crawled out from under some petrified, pre-historic rock in the first place---sure as hell, I
didn't create her. Most of the rocks I created have a lot more smarts than she ever
hoped to have. --God
QUESTION:
My friend Rachel's older brother belongs to the Mensa Society. He says that we came
from monkeys automatically without any help from you. He believes in some weird-sounding
religion called Unnatural Superstitionism and says that we don't need you anyway, because
modern science is going to solve all of our problems. Do you think this is true? --Naomi
ANSWER:
As you know, Naomi, I don't believe in any religion, including that inane superstition
drivel that tries to eliminate me from science---not that it has anything to do with real
science, Naomi---true science doesn't ignore the obvious evidence of me. I recommend that
you stick to your much more credible regular fairytales. I can't recall any survivors of
Hiroshima that have much faith in modern science. Perhaps they are a bit prejudiced, Naomi,
but that is the reality as far as I can tell. And I don't know of any baboons other than
Charlie Darwin who believe that they are the grandparents of people. Every other baboon and
chimpanzee that I am aware of vehemently denies such ludicrous and baseless
slander and the ACLU (that's the Animal Civil Liberties Union, Naomi) has strictly forbidden
that any such blasphemous misguided prejudice be allowed to be taught in zoo school.
One thing I can tell you
for certain is that brother of Rachel hasn't the foggiest idea of how he got here, nor do
I---all I know is that I most certainly didn't create him. I do however, have a very
definite idea of where he is going and let me tell you, Naomi, it is a lot warmer there than
you would care to find out. And by the way, I sure as hell wish that people would stop equating me with religion. I don't
like religion. because it causes people like your teacher and Rachel's brother to not believe
in me. Religion is a big waste of everybody's time, especially mine. --God
QUESTION:
I don't understand men and sex, like my friend Rich for example. He tells me he
likes women for their minds, but he's always eyeballing them; he likes old ones, young ones,
short ones, tall ones, fat ones, skinny ones. . . and especially, rich ones---he told me he
likes them the best but only because they have the best minds. --Naomi
ANSWER:
I don't understand men and sex either, but I recommend to you, Naomi, that you watch out
for them. Here I go to a great deal of trouble and create a large variety of women in all
shapes and sizes and then they go and prefer only a few of the skinniest, ugliest and most
unhealthy of the lot---most men are very narrow-minded, Naomi --God
QUESTION:
Can I have a new computer for Christmas? --Naomi
ANSWER:
I don't believe in Christmas or any of those other pagan holidays and I don't think
computers are good for children, or adults for that matter, come to think of it, but I will make
sure you get one anyway, Naomi. --God
COMMENT:
I love you God. I'm not sure I like Rich Aberdeen though---I think I like him pretty
much because he likes to have fun all the time. He hangs around some pretty rough people
and hangs around bars all day when he's not sleeping or watching tv---he says it's to further
his education. --Naomi
ANSWER:
I love you too, Naomi. I'm not sure about Aberdeen either, but I can tell you for
certain that he's never going to be educated---hasn't the personality or the will power for
it---actually, come to think of it, I don't really blame him, as neither do I---I can't stand
hanging around in some boring classroom listing to some stupid moron like your teacher either,
or God forbid Naomi, that dull minister of yours---what a waste of a good Sunday morning that
is! One thing me and Aberdeen have in common, Naomi, is that we both like to have fun all
of the time---I wish that men and women on your planet would stop hating and killing each other
and learn to have fun instead, so then I could begin to have fun again myself---after creating
people, my life has been downhill ever since and my reputation is not at all what it used to
be---even minor planets like Xenophileon, Yenophileon and Zenophileon are continually laughing
at me behind my back. --God
P.S.
You're one of my favorites, Naomi, so don't let that infidel minister, your dim-witted
teacher or some other mindless baboon tell you otherwise. . . What? I'm not supposed to call
people names---I'm not supposed to have favorites? Hey, I'm God, there is no such thing
as what I'm supposed to do. I can do whatever the heaven or hell I want---I can even do
what I don't want if I want to, like put up with that stupid minister of yours for a season---and
don't let some false-faced teacher, mindless Mensa intellectual, pedophile priest, half-wit
two-bit tv preacher or other consummate liar tell you otherwise. . . I don't exist. . . don't
smoke tobacco. . . what I'm supposed to do and not do. . . What utter imbeciles! --God
P.P.S.
One of my baboons just cursed at me and said I should apologize for comparing him to your
lame-brain teacher and reprobate minister---he says it hurt his family's feelings very deeply, so I
apologize---sometimes people get me so riled up even I start making mistakes, like the time I
told Aberdeen he should be more like Samuel Clemens---I was only trying to keep him busy so he
wouldn't complain so much---I meant he should go out and drive a steamship or something, but
being the lazy oaf that he is, he took it to mean some gravy sit-down job, like congressman,
tv executive, New York Times chief wine and cigar critic or some similar
equally nefarious profession. But it's hard to be too harsh with him---lately I've been
doing a whole lot of complaining myself. . . I don't exist. . . don't smoke tobacco. . . what
I'm supposed to do. . . like less than one-tenth of the women I create. . . Good God, what was I
thinking when created such slow-minded Neanderthals!---my poor little Naomi. --God
Henry Street Settlement
Human Rights Watch; Children's
Rights
Juvenile Diabetes Research
Foundation International
DEDICATED TO: The late George
Burns, who was a
better 'image' of our Creator for children than any modern priest or preacher. . . a whole
lot better image. "Well, there you are George, you finally made it---What took
you so long, anyway?" "Say goodnight, Gracie."
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